It is has been a long time since I last blogged. Somehow, it seemed like this blog was a way for me to deal with all the stress of trying to conceive. So, once the pregnancy was confirmed by three tiny beating hearts I was pretty much done.
Our twin daughters are racing towards their 2nd birthday while I’m starting to realize I don’t have babies anymore. Yes, I know, it should have been obvious at their first birthday. However, when you work so hard to have babies I think it is harder to let go of their infancy and move forward.
Almost a year ago I came off the birth control I was taking. My OB was certain that I wouldn’t want a pregnancy while the girls were so young. Actually, I think she was wrong. Although I did truly enjoy not having a cycle for almost two years when you factor in my pregnancy and breastfeeding.
At any rate, here I am two years later and another year into trying. Yes, we’ve spent the last year charting, temping, peeing on too many sticks, and knowing that statistically speaking it is very unlikely we’ll conceive again. We were lucky enough to get pregnant the first time. The interesting thing about secondary infertility is there is a whole new emotion….guilt. Guilty for wanting more children, shouldn’t I just be thankful for what I have. Guilty for wanting another child and spending time actively pursing it (i.e. acupuncture appointments) and not spending that time with our daughters. Guilty for for wanting more children when that means we can give our daughters less. Guilty for not being emotionally all there for them and enjoying every moment of every day.
So, what should I do? Part of me says to give up. It isn’t fair to our daughters, our marriage, our future. We are not willing to do more treatments, at least not now and probably never. I cannot justify taking money and spending it on treatments when we have two beautiful daughters that I could be spending that money on (Catholic School, College, Weddings). I’m truly torn. I would LOVE to have another child and I KNOW I would be truly ecstatic but somehow going through the motions of conceiving in a world of infertility seems to take the joy out of the prospect some days. Also, I do not want a whoopsie baby when the girls are three or more years old.
I don’t think it is possible to get past the guilt and I’m just about to pull the plug and say enough is enough.
