Our twin daughters are racing towards their 2nd birthday while I’m starting to realize I don’t have babies anymore. Yes, I know, it should have been obvious at their first birthday. However, when you work so hard to have babies I think it is harder to let go of their infancy and move forward.

Almost a year ago I came off the birth control I was taking. My OB was certain that I wouldn’t want a pregnancy while the girls were so young. Actually, I think she was wrong. Although I did truly enjoy not having a cycle for almost two years when you factor in my pregnancy and breastfeeding.

At any rate, here I am two years later and another year into trying. Yes, we’ve spent the last year charting, temping, peeing on too many sticks, and knowing that statistically speaking it is very unlikely we’ll conceive again. We were lucky enough to get pregnant the first time. The interesting thing about secondary infertility is there is a whole new emotion….guilt. Guilty for wanting more children, shouldn’t I just be thankful for what I have. Guilty for wanting another child and spending time actively pursing it (i.e. acupuncture appointments) and not spending that time with our daughters. Guilty for for wanting more children when that means we can give our daughters less. Guilty for not being emotionally all there for them and enjoying every moment of every day.

So, what should I do? Part of me says to give up. It isn’t fair to our daughters, our marriage, our future. We are not willing to do more treatments, at least not now and probably never. I cannot justify taking money and spending it on treatments when we have two beautiful daughters that I could be spending that money on (Catholic School, College, Weddings). I’m truly torn. I would LOVE to have another child and I KNOW I would be truly ecstatic but somehow going through the motions of conceiving in a world of infertility seems to take the joy out of the prospect some days. Also, I do not want a whoopsie baby when the girls are three or more years old.

I don’t think it is possible to get past the guilt and I’m just about to pull the plug and say enough is enough.

Our baby today looks something like:

5 Weeks

At 5 weeks our baby’s heart will begin to beat later in the week which means that blood will begin to circulate through our baby as the organs are forming. Our baby’s brain, cardiovascular & reproductive systems are also forming.

I’m finding that the days are starting to go by a little faster but next Tuesday cannot come fast enough. We’re very anxious to get a look inside to see what’s going on. To some degree this doesn’t feel real. Many girls will go in for repeated betas to see how it is doubling, while I’ve only had one. So, I haven’t had  chance to see how fast it’s doubling but we had good strong numbers to begin with.

Also, I invested in a Tummy Sleeve from Motherhood Maternity. I don’t really need it quite yet but some of my pants are a little tight thanks to bloat.

We received our first baby gift from my sister in law. She sent us a awesome baby book & a week by week calendar for our pregnancy. It’s so exciting!

I’m 4 weeks & 3 days pregnant. Our baby looks something like this:

At 4 weeks our embryo is busy creating the placenta and umbilical cord. The embryo is about 1/25 of an inch in size and is comprised of three different layers. The first layer is the endoderm which will become our baby’s intestines, liver and lungs. The next layer is the mesoderm which will become many of the internal organs such as the heart, muscles, bones, kidneys, and our baby’s sex organs. Lastly, the last layer is the ectoderm which will become the hair, skin, eyes & nervous system. For more information check out this site.

An update on us. My progesterone level was retested yesterday after dropping my dose in half and is now 124. So, they’ve stop the shots. Which I am a little nervous about. They are almost a security blanket of sorts but it is apparent at this time my body is starting to produce progesterone on its own.

I tested early, perhaps too early. But at 12dpiui a bright second line popped up and it wasn’t even taken in the early morning. The next day I again tested and the line popped right up. So, I went in for a beta test, which measures the amount of HCG in your blood. I was 3 weeks, 6 days and my beta was 442. To put that in perspective here’s what a typical HCG chart looks like:

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:

hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :

• 3 weeks LMP: 5 – 50 mIU/ml
• 4 weeks LMP: 5 – 426 mIU/ml
• 5 weeks LMP: 18 – 7,340 mIU/ml
• 6 weeks LMP: 1,080 – 56,500 mIU/ml
• 7 – 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 – 229,000 mIU/ml
• 9 – 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 – 288,000 mIU/ml
• 13 – 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 – 254,000 mIU/ml
• 17 – 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 – 165,400 mIU/ml
• 25 – 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 – 117,000 mIU/ml
• Non-pregnant females: <5.0 mIU/ml

As you can clearly see we are even outside the scope of what one would expect for 4 weeks pregnant. Our doctor is already talking multiples, that we should prepare ourselves. I told the nurse yesterday I am prepared and just grateful to be pregnant. Of course we won’t know anything until September 30th, for our 6 week ultrasound.

Additionally they measured my progesterone level and it came up as 102. Which is fantastic. They want to see it about 40. I’ve dropped my PIO dose in half and I am going in for a test today to check that level again.

Lastly, I found out that I have a slightly elevated thyroid and they’ve given me something to get that under control.

Yesterday we told our families. We sent our moms bouquets of flowers with a note that said:

Expected Arrival : May 27th, 2009          Love, Baby

Our due date is coincidentally my grandparents wedding anniversary.

The German Version

I tried to find a picture of the US one that I could post in here but it’s just not possible to capture one. If you are interested they can be found on the US website.

Photo of the Mezquita and Puente Romano in Cordoba, Andalusia, Spain, two structures famous for their historic architecture

The second leg of our trip brings us to Madrid. The capital city of Spain. While in Madrid we will be visiting El Rastro Europe’s largest flea market, the Prado Museum (over 3,000 masterpieces), Moncloa Tower (the best aerial view of the City), Palacio Real-the official royal residence, and finally we will be doing the Tapas Crawl through the Villa y Corte the oldest part of town.

Typical picture of Ribera de Curtidores, main street of el Rastro de Madrid. January 2005. C/O Wikipedia.

When planning our trip to Germany last year we had very high hopes of travelling to both Austria & Switzerland. Unfortunately, we underestimated the travel time required to make those trips feasible. That being said we’re going to try to be realistic in this trip and just relax. Especially since we’re bringing Grandpa with. 63 days and counting…

For the last few posts I’ve talked quite a bit about follicles, eggs, ultrasounds and E2 level. I should explain what they are.

E2 = Estradiol level. Ideally it should be at 200-600 per follicle to indicate a mature egg. Of course this like everything else it can vary and smaller follicles do contribute to the number. More information.

Follicles & Eggs = A follicle is the basic unit of female reproductive biology and is composed of a roughly spherical aggregations of cells found in the ovary. They usually contain one oocyte (ovum or egg). A follicle is considered mature when it reaches 18mm and in a non-medicated cycle a woman typically will only have one mature follicle. The follicle will become the corpus luteum during the luteal phase (post ovulation). The corpus luteum is a temporary endocrine structure in mammals, involved in production of progesterone, which is needed to maintain pregnancy. Progesterone is often supplemented in medicated cycles in the form of suppositories or the shots I explained in an earlier post.

Ultrasounds = These are given trans vaginally to measure the uterine lining & number of follicles present.

This is a stimulated ovary. The black spots are follicles. The pink dots are used to measure.

So, we wait. And hopefully our doctor will call in the next couple of hours to let us know that it is safe to trigger. If we do trigger our IUI will be Tuesday morning.